I compulsively apologise for things that are out of my control. My obsessions manifest from being a terrible person. I get myself so anxious and upset over the thought that I have hurt somebody’s feelings and that they will never think the same of me again. To relieve the anxiety associated with this, I apologise.
When I have sought reassurance – I apologise. Partly because I know how ridiculous some of the questions are and I can understand how irritating it must be for the person involved.
When I practise avoidance – I apologise. An example of this is after I have had a drink I pass my cup over to my girlfriend so she can put it out of sight so that I can avoid my compulsions.
If I have had the slightest disagreement with a loved one and I mean something so minor that it really does not matter I apologise profusely.
I apologise a lot for the way I am feeling – I constantly tell my Mum and my girlfriend that I am sorry. Although they tell me that I don’t need to apologise – I cannot help it.
Carrying out my compulsions is another matter I apologise for. It adds time and complicates even the simplest of tasks. When I walk up the stairs, I ensure each foot brushes against each step. I get to the top of the stairs and I twist my body several times to ensure both sides of me have touched the bannister. Most of the time I do this compulsion I have somebody behind me – usually carrying something upstairs.
I say sorry continuously. A single sorry is not enough. As I obsess over certainty I have to be certain that I have apologised properly. I am aware that I am doing it but I cannot help it. It’s Obsessive Compulsive Disorders famous last words – just one more time, but it never is. I will tell the person ‘this is the last time now – I’m sorry’ I’ll even joke with my girlfriend and say ‘I’ll probably say it again in 10 minutes’. I will also ask if they are sure it’s ok. I become so distressed over the way I portray myself to the people I love the most. My anxiety fills me with guilt and my obsessions add to it until it spirals out of control.
Another worry associated with over apologising is that if I ever need to say sorry it may not seem genuine because I over use the word. Apologising is a positive way to take responsibility for your actions but when it comes to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder this is not the case. I need to work on excessive apologising and learn not to fall into the trap. With this being said when I do apologise I mean it with the up most sincerity and I am deeply sorry for causing distress to those closest to me – even though they tell me I have not caused distress. These people mean more to me than I could ever put into words and I love them dearly.
I also want to emphasise that I a have never been made to feel guilty about my illness, although I apologise excessively I haven’t done this out of pressure or lack of support. I know that I am loved unconditionally and the compulsion has no reflection on my loved ones behaviour towards me.